Checking In

I have not posted in more than two weeks and I thought it time to update. Since going off the shakes, I have managed to gain 4 pounds. I cannot seem to lose any weight, regardless of the fact that I am only eating approximately 600 calories per day and working out by running 3 miles at least 5 days a week. It is so frustrating to have come this far to have my body reject my ability to lose any more weight.

I am not giving up. I will continue to do whatever it takes to lose the rest of the weight. I am actually enjoying the running and am running about a 12:30 minute mile. Not bad if I do say so. I always liked running but have been unable to run since my weight gain. Now that I am slightly smaller it does not seem to bother my knees and hips like it used to. I do need to stretch extensively before and after but that may just be me getting old. I have a run coming up in December and I want to run the whole 5K. I think I have this in the bag.

I am eating a vegan diet and do not miss the meat at all. I do miss the cheese and eggs but I am finding other ways to cook to compensate. I enjoy cooking and discovering new recipes from pintrest. I cannot believe all of the people out there who are vegan. I find it most difficult when eating out. There are very few restaurants that cater to vegan eaters so I usually just ask them to hold this, and hold that.

On another note, I went school shopping with my daughter last weekend and decided to go into Banana Republic (one of my favorite stores). I went directly to the sale rack and decided to try on a few pairs of pants. I am happy to report that I am officially a size 14. I ended up with two new pairs of pants and they fit fabulously. I would like to eventually be in a single digit pants size but I will definitely take this one. Winnnnnninnng!

Food

Normally the word food does not scare me but for the first time in a very long time I am worried about the rest of my journey. I do not want to gain any of the weight back that I have lost and quite frankly, I am nervous about eating. With only about 10 more days left of product, I decided that I would slowly start the transition to eating. I looked at the notebook that they gave me at the start of the program and determined that it was time to start adding food back in. I had a shake for breakfast and for lunch I ventured out (first time in months I have gone out for lunch) and went to find some veggies that I could add into my diet. Although I should have been more prepared for this, I went to Trader Joe's and walked the store for about 20 minutes before I decided on a mixed green salad with three cherry tomatoes, a few hearts of palm, and some artichoke hearts. The salad dressing, a raspberry vinaigrette, was really something that I was not too interested in but I decided to give the whole thing a whirl. I added less than a teaspoon of the salad dressing on the salad and took my first bite.

Queue the music...the flavors that I tasted are indescribable. I ate that first bite so slow and took in every single feeling that I was having. Guilt was the first, followed quickly by elation. I don't ever remember liking salad that much. I continued to eat a few more bites and then out of nowhere something in my head said, okay, you are full now. Huh, who was that? I don't ever remember hearing that voice. I looked down at my salad. No, I can't be done, I have only eaten 1/4 of the salad. Okay, fork down, lid on, container in the trash can. That wasn't so hard.

So here I sit back at the office. My stomach is rumbling so loud that I am sure all of my office neighbors can hear it. The digestion has started and I am hoping that the 1/2 cup of salad that I had goes down without much effort.

I am going to the supermarket today after work and I am going to stock up on many more vegetables that will not be so hard to digest.

I will keep this day as my official weigh in day because this is when I would do it at the optifast clinic. This morning's weight 183.4. Only 48.4 pounds to go to reach my goal. Not as daunting as the original 115 pounds that I needed to lose at the beginning.

FOOD...you are no match for me!

Have I reached the end?

Last week I did not go to my class because my nephew was here from out of town. This is why I did not post. However, I have finally realized that I have reached a crossroads. Unfortunately this program is costing so much money that I am going to finish up the product that I have (which is approximately 14 days) and stop going. The $125.00 a week has really been tearing into my budget, along with the maintenance fees and all of the other stuff that I need to buy. So, with that being said, I will stop going with only 4 weeks left. :( 

I will continue to write weekly in my blog because I want to be held accountable for the things I am doing and I still have about 50 pounds to lose. The good thing is that I have been going to class for long enough now to know what my food triggers are and how to keep from doing the things from my past that pushed me to the weight I was. 

I am going to do the shakes full time until I have a week left and then I am going to gradually add one meal every few days until I feel like my stomach is handling the food. I have been told that it does a number on the stomach when food is added back into the diet. I am a little nervous because I do not want to gain any weight so I think I am going to stick to a plant based diet for a while to see if I can continue to lose. I am also going to start picking up the exercise pace and see if I can tone up some of these muscles.

So, the answer to the questions is, NO I have not reached the end. I am going to continue to fight until I have reached my goal weight. Although I did not weigh in, I weighed on my scaled (which seems to be pretty close to their scale) and I weigh 185.0. I am down 64 pounds. Not bad for 16 weeks.

Wish me luck!!

...and it continues

The weeks have been really flying by these past few. I am so busy at work which keeps my mind preoccupied but unfortunately, the shakes are becoming so boring that I am having difficulty drinking the 5 per day. Although I know this is wrong, there are days when I am only drinking three or four of the five shakes. I am so bored with the chocolate and the vanilla tastes so nasty. I have tried to put the Torani syrups in but they make me have a stomach ache. Next week, I will have 5 weeks left in this 20-week journey. I am still trying to decide if I will start adding food in or continue on until I get closer to my goal weight. I am having such great success that I want to continue but I am not sure that I can continue to drink the shakes. What I thought I might do is start adding food at the end of the five weeks and then start to kick up my workout routine so that I can get rid of some of the flab and start toning up. **Sigh** such a dilemma. Well I know for a fact that I want to have some semblance of a real meal for my upcoming 45th birthday. I would also like to have a glass of wine....man have I missed my wine.


So my stats are as follows: this week I lost 4.2 pounds, which brings my total to 56.0 pounds. I am thrilled to be consistently losing 3-4 pounds a week.

Onederland

I am a little late this week posting as I have been so busy at work that it is leaking over into my personal life. I am so happy to say that I have finally reached one of my biggest goals; ONEDERLAND! I have been waiting to get over this hump for quite some time. I have literally been dieting for the last 3 years only to reach 202 and not be able to get past that to 199. That is when I decide that it is way too hard and give up.

This time it is a little different and I knew that I would reach that weight and then continue to drop the pounds until I reach my ultimate goal of 135 pounds. My weigh-in was an even 198.0 pounds and my weekly weight loss was 3.9 pounds. I am tickled to continue to have these great numbers and I am going to try my hardest to continue to have good numbers until the end of the program. 

In our group class we discussed the ability to manage stress and know when stress causes one to do things that they normally would not do. I find myself in the midst of stress on a daily basis, which I am sure is not a problem that only I face. I am trying so hard to change how I handle stress, negative people, too much work, etc. I am trying to put on a different face and smile. Sometimes that is all it takes to make me feel better. When I do this it seems to diffuse most situations and other people also react differently.  Why am I just learning this now? 

Opportunities...that is what I am being given. It is never too late to better oneself. I am proof!

Making Choices

Today, the 4th of July, has been a little bit tough for me. Not because I am at a barbecue and the food is free flowing but because I am feeling a little hungry. I woke up this morning with my stomach growling. Instead of giving into my hunger, I had a shake and went shopping with my daughter. While shopping I forgot to bring any more shakes and I had to make a choice: wait until I got home or have something while out shopping. I decided to get something while out shopping. While my daughter had soup and a sandwich, I opted for an 8 oz. latte with skim milk and two equals. Man was it good. This is the first time I have strayed from the program and I felt a little guilty.

Circumstances will come up time and time again and I will have to make choices. I want to make the right choices, especially when I am eating again. I did not have a cheeseburger and fries, nor did I eat a piece of chocolate so I guess I made a good choice. And, I looked on my emergency card and it was listed as one of the choices to have if you do not have a shake. Phew...now I don't feel so bad.

Last week was another good week. I lost 4.6 pounds. That makes my weight loss total 48.9 pounds. I am only 1.9 pounds away from 200. I am looking forward to next week and I am hoping that I will be under 200!

Happy Today!

I had a thought this evening as I was driving my kids home from a sushi dinner (no I did not eat and I had a cup of green tea); I am really happy right now. Immediately after the thought I realized that maybe I should not have thought that. I mean, when someone is happy something always bad happens, right? Thinking about it again I asked myself, why not be happy. I have a good job, a great family, wonderful friends, and I am starting to like myself again. After years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse, it is my turn to be happy.

It also did not hurt that I lost 6 pounds this week. I think I may have found the secret to taking off more than 2 pounds - exercise. I have been walking 3 miles, 3-4 times a week. It has paid off the last two weeks. I only have 6.5 pounds to lose before I reach 200. I may not reach my goal at the end of 20-weeks but I am off to a great start.

Body Image

I am a week behind posting. I did not go to my meeting last week because of some financial issues so felt like I did not have much to say; however, I am back this week.

Body image was the topic at my group meeting last night. Each of us was asked to share how we felt about our body. I thought about it as my turn came around. I found each story to be extremely touching. Most of the women were struggling, just as I am, with how they feel about their bodies. I realized that I have not had a great body image for a really long time. I was teased in grade school because I was so skinny and then when I went through puberty in junior high I was teased because I got so curvy, so fast. There were some really mean boys that I went to high school with that always commented about my big ass (I have always been bottom heavy). This only continued to get worse as I got older and fatter. My ex-husband always liked me fat, that way I had no self-esteem and no one would find me attractive. My ex-boyfriend didn't like me fat and ultimately that was the reason that he broke up with me. So many mixed emotions about how I want to look and how I feel about my body now.

I still am not happy with the way I look but I am starting to get to a point where I am feeling better with myself, even at the weight I am. I want to love myself no matter what my weight. I want to ignore outside influences that say that I am not a lovable person unless I weigh a certain amount. This is all easier said then done....I am on my way.

On a different note, I met a very special lady this weekend. She is fighting a horrible disease that keeps coming back and coming back. Although I know she is not feeling great, she came out to the lavender farm with us and endured the heat and our sarcasm. I am so glad that I met her and absorbed her strength and passion for life. Her struggle makes me think about how short life is and that I need to enjoy every minute of every day, pick my battles, and choose my own destiny because I don't know when my last day will come.

I am half way done with my 20 weeks and as of yesterday have lost a total of 37.3 pounds. Here is to my next 10 weeks!

Wanting

"Wanting to be thin pushes reality to the outer edges, dismisses it as only temporary until the real you, the essential you, can show your face. Whereas wanting to be thin is consuming and passionate and selective, being thin is like having cornflakes for breakfast and going to work. It's pleasant when you're done slipping into a new party dress, but there are still bills to pay, dishes to be done, and a life to be reckoned with. You must still learn how to give love and how to compromise, how to say no and how to risk failure. You still have to make sense of the conflicts within you and, inevitably, someone you love disappointing you. During all those years of wanting to be thin, you put your life on hold  and created a cushion between you and the aspects of living that were not in your control. Wanting to be thin protects you from the unfairness of life; it funnels the grief and sadness and pain of being alive into the grief and sadness and pain of being overweight.

When you spend your life wanting, you never get down to the actuality of living."

The previous paragraph came from a book by Geneen Roth called Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I mentioned the book briefly in my last post. I found this particular paragraph so profound to me that I read it about 16 times. I discovered after reading this book that I really want to love myself. I obviously have not been able to get the love I am longing for from others (speaking only on my past relationships). Whether I am 100 pounds or 500 pounds, I am a great person; funny, outgoing, giving, and best of all, a great friend. Does this change the fact that I want to be thinner? Absolutely not. I definitely need to be thinner for my health. However, I think I have a slightly different perspective on wanting to be thin above everything else.

I really 'wanted' to lose a bunch of weight last week but unfortunately, I only lost 2.1 pounds. Not a big loss but a loss nonetheless.

Guilt

I think guilt should be my middle name. I feel guilty all the time, sometimes for no reason and I have no idea where all of this guilt is coming from. Guilty because I did not make dinner, guilty because I am not able to buy my kids a car, guilty because I took a long lunch...the list goes on and on. Well guilt, I have some news for you; I am not putting up with you any longer. After all no one even knows I feel guilty except for me and it is only making me feel bad.

I started thinking about guilt today. A friend of mine recommended a book to me. She said that this book, back in the 90's, changed her life. She explained that up until this point she struggled with her weight and just wanted a way to control her eating. The book talks about most people's unhealthy relationship with food because of the way it was presented throughout his/her life. Guilt. Why does one feel guilty after having an ice cream sundae or a big bowl of chips and salsa? We are told these foods are bad and then we avoid them at all costs. So, what happens when we avoid these foods? You guessed it; we wait until we are alone and then consume our body weight in the "bad" foods...and then here comes the guilt. So what is worse, having a little bit of something that I really want or eating about 3000 extra calories because I am not allowed to have it?

In my group session this week we discussed this exact topic. One of the woman in the group said that she has trigger foods that she needs to stay away from or she will just fall right off the wagon.  I don't have this exact problem because food in general is a trigger. This is the reason, I believe, I am doing so well on this program. The option to choose foods is not there so I know I cannot have anything except for the product in the program. Eventually I will have to face this subject, which is why I am reading as much as I can to determine why I overeat. Is it the guilt? I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I have been a closet eater. I eat 'like a bird' around most people and then behind closed doors or with my closest friends I eat like there is an apocalypse and I will never be able to eat again.

When I have lost my weight I decided that I am going to try and develop a new relationship with food; only eat when I am hungry, and only eat it if I really want it. I cannot even count the number of times that I have eaten something just to eat it and when I was done saying, "you know that wasn't really good". I want to get rid of the guilt that I feel when I eat something that is not on my diet (whichever one I happen to be on at the time).

Oh and as a last thought, I lost 4.7 pounds last week, which brings my total to 27.4 pounds in 6 weeks. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment thus far. I have been able to stay 100% on program without much challenge. I know as the weeks go on it will get harder but I have the strength in myself to see this program all the way to the end. There is nothing or no one standing in my way and now is my time to shine.

Wait for it....

Thank goodness I was able to show some good numbers this week or I may have jumped off the nearest bridge. While I still believe that I could lose a little more in a week, my weight loss was 4.6 pounds @ week 5, bringing my total to 22.5 pounds. I wish that I could say that I notice it in the way my clothes fit or in my face, but I am not going to lie...I don't see a dang thing. I guess when one has as much to lose as I do, it probably won't show until I have lost another 20 pounds.

Onward and upward. Here is to the next 15 weeks!

Strength

Where does one find personal strength? Is it something built into one's character; something learned by parents; or, something that some have and other's don't?

I consider myself a very strong person. I take after my mom in that way. My mom, faced with great adversity, always found a way to rise to the top. However, she was not very happy. She took on so much burden she was unable to enjoy life. I believe that sometimes with strength comes loneliness. I used to believe that I could take care of everything myself and tried not to ask for help. I endured many years of emotional and physical abuse from my ex-husband and never talked to anyone except my therapist about it. This was a big mistake because when I left him after almost 20 years of marriage, no one understood. To everyone, we looked like a normal family. I cannot say what gave me the strength all those years but I can say that I am in a much better place today and I am ready to finally live.

In the last few years I started to realize that I cannot do it all by myself. My brother is my biggest supporter and, even when he is sick of me, still picks up the phone when I call. I also have a handful of friends (you all know who you are) that are unwavering. I know that if I called on any one of them, they would drop everything to help. And, I hope they feel they can count on me as well. Today, this is where my strength comes from. So, when I only lose 2.2 pounds in a week, my friends and family tell me not to give up, that I have nothing to lose (except the weight).

It feels great to have such a wonderful support system. I love you all!!

What's happening?

I mean, come on! I get 400 calories a day and I only lost 2.2 pounds last week. I am so disappointed. I was so busy last week; it is not humanly possible. This is the reason that I cannot stick to a diet. I can only hope that next week will be better. I am not giving up yet.

Race Toward the Finish Line

Week 4 officially began on Wednesday and here it is Thursday before I get to writing my blog for the week. Last week was probably the toughest week so far; mostly because I felt so hungry even after I drank my shakes. I am not sure if it is real hunger or if it is my mind trying to get me to think about food. It could be real hunger because I added in walking/jogging four times this week for 40 minutes. The fact that I am able to run a little makes me feel so great. Running is the only exercise that I actually like and I was unable to do it for a long time because my back hurt so bad. Eventually I will have to start doing the dreaded core work so that I can get rid of this enormous foopa that mysteriously appeared in the last few years, but for now it is strictly aerobic exercise.

The great thing about last week is I  was able to go into my favorite sushi restaurant with my daughter and just have a diet coke. I talked with her and watched the Celtics play basketball to keep my mind occupied. It was nice to be in that type of environment and not feel the temptation to eat. There will be, I am positive, more situations just like this and I cannot sit at home waiting for the next 15 weeks to go by. I know this will get more challenging as the weeks go by but so far it is really going fast. 

Last week I lost a whopping 3.7 pounds. I keep telling myself my body hasn't figured it out yet and when it does the weight will start dropping off. Total for three weeks is 16 pounds. 

Commitments

As week 2 ended, I started to reflect a little about why I have committed to this program. I sat in my group meeting yesterday listening to over half of the group talking about how they are having a real problem sticking to the program and food is the only thing they can think about. I watched as one person was almost in tears as she explained how she had eaten one meal, which consisted of a small piece of fish and some asparagus and gained two pounds. The counselor quickly explained to her that there is no way that she could have eaten just that and gained weight. I have seen that look in her eyes in myself and know that she is not going to last on this program. I have been the same way so many times and that is when I give up. I am not feeling that way, in fact, just the opposite. I am so relieved not to have to worry about food. It is one less thing that I have to think about.

So what makes this commitment different? I am fully committed. I cannot think of anything else in my life that I want more. I want to be healthy and walk up a flight of stairs without passing out. I want to go to magic mountain and ride all of the rides because I can (there is nothing worse than trying to fit my ass into some of those seats). I recently went on a work outing where we raced go-carts. I had to force myself into the seat and it hurt so bad that I could not even enjoy the race. I don't want that anymore. I just want to be normal.

I had my 2nd weigh-in yesterday and was disappointed yet again. I lost 4.7 pounds, which makes my total for 2 weeks 12.5 pounds. I have a feeling that I am not losing more weight because I sit down all day at work and barely get up to walk. So, tonight when I got home from work and the grocery store (my kid still has to eat), I went to the gym and walked...very, very slowly... for 20 minutes. I figure now is the best time to see if a little more exercise won't jump start my super slow metabolism. In the meantime, I just need to hang in there.

End of Week 1

Week 1 was fairly uninspiring. I was able to keep on program for the entire week without cheating. It wasn't easy and I find that my self talk continues to be the same. The only difference now is that I  recognize the talk that pushes me to overeat and fall off an otherwise successful diet. I had kind of a rough week at work and home, which would normally make me fall right off the wagon...just one piece of food...this stupid diet probably isn't even working...I am not worth it anyway. This is where the group therapy comes in. In our last session we talked about making plans when things don't seem to be going the way they should and how we can shift our way of thinking to view bumps in our person road as small obstacles that can be replaced with something positive. Huh, that makes sense. So instead of eating myself into a coma and feeling guilty about it, I just switch my mind to think about something else that will make me feel better? Got it, let's see if I can continue to make this work.

As far as weight loss the first week, I found myself slightly disappointed that I did not lose more. I know, I know, every little bit helps and I didn't gain this weight overnight. This does not lessen the feelings that I have with myself. I am very competitive by nature and I wanted to lose a lot. One guy in my class lost 23 pounds (okay it may be because he weighs almost 500 lbs.) and another girl cheated and still lost more than I did. Watch out sister, you may be able to cheat this week but wait for the next couple of weeks; I am going to blow away my 7.7 pound weight loss and you are still going to cheat!

Day 6

Day 6, I cannot believe I have reached almost a week. I thought it would be a lot harder than it has been. I have not cheated at all and am consistently drinking my water as well. I am not going to lie, there were a couple of times when I really wanted to eat something but I immediately stopped thinking about it and started to do something else so I would not be tempted. The hardest part for me was the weekend. Not in trying not to eat but to take my shakes like I should. There were two days that I was not even hungry for my last shake of the night. In class, there are specific instructions to drink every single shake no matter what. Skipping shakes will actually prevent a person from losing weight.

I have been keeping meticulous records about when and where I drink my shakes. It helps to have a schedule that I am bound to because it takes the thinking right out if it. I am excited about my first "official" weigh-in tomorrow. Although I don't feel any different, there is definitely something to be said about not having fat ankles. No swelling. I love this aspect. I can only expect that my health will continue to improve as I lose more and more weight.

Stay tuned for the weigh-in results!

Motivation

What helps us get motivated?  For each person motivation comes from different places. Some find motivation from an experience, while others use role models to get them going each day.

What motivates me? I have several motivating factors for my weight loss. The first is, you guessed it, an ex. This person "loved" me for my inside but couldn't love me on the outside. By the way, this has to be one of the most painful emotional ordeals that I have ever been faced with. We were together an entire year after this conversation and our relationship became strained and awkward. After we split up it took me a couple of weeks to get my thoughts together. All I could think is, how shallow, what a jerk...and, I hope he burns in hell. I gain a few more pounds then a few more pounds. Pretty soon a month has slipped by and I am feeling miserable, tired and unmotivated. Again my thoughts turn to the ex and I wonder how I am letting him have so much power over me. Done! The following week I have an appointment with my doctor to get refills on my depression/anxiety medication and sleeping pills (oh yes, this is what I have been taking to numb the pain and be able to sleep). I mention to him that I am looking for another program to lose weight. He hands me a booklet to the Kaiser programs. That is all it took. The steps I am taking are definitely for myself; I want to prove to myself once and for all that I am the one who has control over my life. No one else, and especially not someone who is not worthy of my love.

My second motivation is my family and friends. They have been with me through some of my worst times; fat, depressed, and just plain miserable to be around and they still love me. I know that I could not do this without them.

Day 1

Day 1 (actually Day 1, week 2):

I got my shakes at last night's group meeting. I chose half vanilla and half chocolate. It is kind of funny that we don't get to taste them first. I asked a couple of people in my group and it was 50/50. Some liked only the chocolate, while others only the vanilla.

I got up this morning, completely forgot that I was starting today, and thought about breakfast. My stomach rumbled and then I remembered...right, I get to drink shakes for the next five months. Not to sound totally cliche but I immediately changed my way of thinking and told myself that this is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have already come this far so now it is time to embrace this and make the best of it. I will soon start to see the results so it can only get better.

When I finished getting ready for work, I grabbed my new shaker and filled it up with water to the eight ounce mark. I dumped the chocolate packet into the shaker and shook it until it was foamy and delicious. The first mistake I made was to smell it. It smelled awful and it was a little chunky so my stomach turned a little. Second mistake, it was not cold enough so when I started to drink it, the taste was a little like warm chocolate milk. Once I took a few more drinks it was not that bad. Oddly, I felt full on only eight ounces of liquid.

I continued to drink my shakes throughout the day every three hours. At 1:30 my stomach actually growled and I still had an hour left before I was supposed to have another shake. Thankfully, I purchased the chicken soup (two boxes) just in case - I am allowed two servings of the chicken soup per day in addition to my shakes.  I savored every last drop of the soup and it held me over until I drank my next shake. I decided to try the vanilla shake, which I mixed with black coffee. It wasn't bad but I know that I will not be able to drink the vanilla by itself. All I can say is, ewwww, so gross.

So at the end of the day, with one more shake and 30 ounces of water left to drink I can officially say one day down, 134 days left.

The Program

Finally...it seems as if it took forever to reach this point. First it was the orientation, next it was the blood work and the EKG, and lastly the body assessment and acceptance physical. Everything came back normal so I am told that I am ready to start.

Start what, you ask? Kaiser Permanente in San Diego has a medically supervised Optifast program for those who are 40 pounds or more overweight. The program has many options; however, I believe that if I am going to lose the weight forever that it has to be drastic, so I chose the full fasting Optifast Program. The full fasting program, as many are aware, allows five shakes per day and two optional soups.  I was told, not given a choice, that I would be using Optifast 70 (two shakes flavors; vanilla and chocolate with a total caloric intake of 400 calories). This may be because my BMI is 42. Morbidly obese! Wow, that is scary. I am lucky that I have not had health issues related to my weight before now. The Optifast 70 is not a program that is offered very many places and I scoured the Internet looking for tidbits of information from people on this program. Nothing. I found plenty of people using the Optifast 800 but very little information on the Optifast 70. Maybe the people on Optifast 70 are so hungry they do not have enough energy to type. Or, maybe they are trying to keep it a secret.

My actual start date was April 10th. My weigh in weight was 249 pounds *gasp*. Have I really let myself get this fat? The answer is YES and I am sure that if I did not reach out for help I would have continued to gain weight at an alarming speed. Most of the people that surround me (friends and family) do not have or have never had weight issues. At least my support group will know the struggles and heart ache that I endure on a daily basis. This leads me to the next topic: my support group.

The group meeting was very interesting. I found it almost depressing as I listened to person after person ask questions about what we "have" to share and some of the experiences from past meetings. Oh yes, many are back for a second or third time. This scares the *&^# out of me. Questions are flooding my mind. Will this be me? Will I gain all the weight back and more? Am I strong enough to handle this kind of stress? Please people, any success stories? I can already tell this is going to be a long 20 weeks. My head is spinning as I try and decide if I made the right decision. I quickly decide that I have based solely on the amount of money that I have already spent ($335 and I haven't even gotten the shakes yet). I am also told that I do not receive any shakes until week 2. Ahhhhh....I was so bummed. The first step, they say, is documenting what I eat for the entire week including how I was feeling before or after I eat. This is meant to help me explain why I eat and eat and eat. You would think that all of this documenting would curb my appetite and make me eat less. Oh no, I ate more than ever this week. I wanted to make sure that I had everything and more that I loved to eat before doomsday. I documented everything. What did I figure out about why I eat? Nothing, of course. I did not think about it at all. I just stuffed every last delicious morsel into my chubby face.

So today (Tuesday @ 4:15 to be exact) I will weigh in for the second time; I probably gained 5 pounds from last weeks weigh in based on the amount of food that I ate. I documented every last crumb and it did make me a little sad as I look back on what I consumed. Oh well, can't take it back now. All I can do is use this to move forward.

A few blogs that I am reading say that there are three types of people on the Optifast program: those who do not cheat at all; those who cheat a couple of times; and those who cheat regularly. The third group does not ever seem to lose weight and cannot figure out why. Really? I plan on being in group 1. I cannot fall off of the wagon and I want to lose the most that I can in this 20 (19 really) weeks. I am a creature of habit and once I put my mind to something there is rarely anything that can stop me.

Join me on this 20-week journey. I hope to inspire, help, or just shed a little information for those who need it.