Body Image

I am a week behind posting. I did not go to my meeting last week because of some financial issues so felt like I did not have much to say; however, I am back this week.

Body image was the topic at my group meeting last night. Each of us was asked to share how we felt about our body. I thought about it as my turn came around. I found each story to be extremely touching. Most of the women were struggling, just as I am, with how they feel about their bodies. I realized that I have not had a great body image for a really long time. I was teased in grade school because I was so skinny and then when I went through puberty in junior high I was teased because I got so curvy, so fast. There were some really mean boys that I went to high school with that always commented about my big ass (I have always been bottom heavy). This only continued to get worse as I got older and fatter. My ex-husband always liked me fat, that way I had no self-esteem and no one would find me attractive. My ex-boyfriend didn't like me fat and ultimately that was the reason that he broke up with me. So many mixed emotions about how I want to look and how I feel about my body now.

I still am not happy with the way I look but I am starting to get to a point where I am feeling better with myself, even at the weight I am. I want to love myself no matter what my weight. I want to ignore outside influences that say that I am not a lovable person unless I weigh a certain amount. This is all easier said then done....I am on my way.

On a different note, I met a very special lady this weekend. She is fighting a horrible disease that keeps coming back and coming back. Although I know she is not feeling great, she came out to the lavender farm with us and endured the heat and our sarcasm. I am so glad that I met her and absorbed her strength and passion for life. Her struggle makes me think about how short life is and that I need to enjoy every minute of every day, pick my battles, and choose my own destiny because I don't know when my last day will come.

I am half way done with my 20 weeks and as of yesterday have lost a total of 37.3 pounds. Here is to my next 10 weeks!