Guilt

I think guilt should be my middle name. I feel guilty all the time, sometimes for no reason and I have no idea where all of this guilt is coming from. Guilty because I did not make dinner, guilty because I am not able to buy my kids a car, guilty because I took a long lunch...the list goes on and on. Well guilt, I have some news for you; I am not putting up with you any longer. After all no one even knows I feel guilty except for me and it is only making me feel bad.

I started thinking about guilt today. A friend of mine recommended a book to me. She said that this book, back in the 90's, changed her life. She explained that up until this point she struggled with her weight and just wanted a way to control her eating. The book talks about most people's unhealthy relationship with food because of the way it was presented throughout his/her life. Guilt. Why does one feel guilty after having an ice cream sundae or a big bowl of chips and salsa? We are told these foods are bad and then we avoid them at all costs. So, what happens when we avoid these foods? You guessed it; we wait until we are alone and then consume our body weight in the "bad" foods...and then here comes the guilt. So what is worse, having a little bit of something that I really want or eating about 3000 extra calories because I am not allowed to have it?

In my group session this week we discussed this exact topic. One of the woman in the group said that she has trigger foods that she needs to stay away from or she will just fall right off the wagon.  I don't have this exact problem because food in general is a trigger. This is the reason, I believe, I am doing so well on this program. The option to choose foods is not there so I know I cannot have anything except for the product in the program. Eventually I will have to face this subject, which is why I am reading as much as I can to determine why I overeat. Is it the guilt? I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I have been a closet eater. I eat 'like a bird' around most people and then behind closed doors or with my closest friends I eat like there is an apocalypse and I will never be able to eat again.

When I have lost my weight I decided that I am going to try and develop a new relationship with food; only eat when I am hungry, and only eat it if I really want it. I cannot even count the number of times that I have eaten something just to eat it and when I was done saying, "you know that wasn't really good". I want to get rid of the guilt that I feel when I eat something that is not on my diet (whichever one I happen to be on at the time).

Oh and as a last thought, I lost 4.7 pounds last week, which brings my total to 27.4 pounds in 6 weeks. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment thus far. I have been able to stay 100% on program without much challenge. I know as the weeks go on it will get harder but I have the strength in myself to see this program all the way to the end. There is nothing or no one standing in my way and now is my time to shine.

Wait for it....

Thank goodness I was able to show some good numbers this week or I may have jumped off the nearest bridge. While I still believe that I could lose a little more in a week, my weight loss was 4.6 pounds @ week 5, bringing my total to 22.5 pounds. I wish that I could say that I notice it in the way my clothes fit or in my face, but I am not going to lie...I don't see a dang thing. I guess when one has as much to lose as I do, it probably won't show until I have lost another 20 pounds.

Onward and upward. Here is to the next 15 weeks!

Strength

Where does one find personal strength? Is it something built into one's character; something learned by parents; or, something that some have and other's don't?

I consider myself a very strong person. I take after my mom in that way. My mom, faced with great adversity, always found a way to rise to the top. However, she was not very happy. She took on so much burden she was unable to enjoy life. I believe that sometimes with strength comes loneliness. I used to believe that I could take care of everything myself and tried not to ask for help. I endured many years of emotional and physical abuse from my ex-husband and never talked to anyone except my therapist about it. This was a big mistake because when I left him after almost 20 years of marriage, no one understood. To everyone, we looked like a normal family. I cannot say what gave me the strength all those years but I can say that I am in a much better place today and I am ready to finally live.

In the last few years I started to realize that I cannot do it all by myself. My brother is my biggest supporter and, even when he is sick of me, still picks up the phone when I call. I also have a handful of friends (you all know who you are) that are unwavering. I know that if I called on any one of them, they would drop everything to help. And, I hope they feel they can count on me as well. Today, this is where my strength comes from. So, when I only lose 2.2 pounds in a week, my friends and family tell me not to give up, that I have nothing to lose (except the weight).

It feels great to have such a wonderful support system. I love you all!!

What's happening?

I mean, come on! I get 400 calories a day and I only lost 2.2 pounds last week. I am so disappointed. I was so busy last week; it is not humanly possible. This is the reason that I cannot stick to a diet. I can only hope that next week will be better. I am not giving up yet.

Race Toward the Finish Line

Week 4 officially began on Wednesday and here it is Thursday before I get to writing my blog for the week. Last week was probably the toughest week so far; mostly because I felt so hungry even after I drank my shakes. I am not sure if it is real hunger or if it is my mind trying to get me to think about food. It could be real hunger because I added in walking/jogging four times this week for 40 minutes. The fact that I am able to run a little makes me feel so great. Running is the only exercise that I actually like and I was unable to do it for a long time because my back hurt so bad. Eventually I will have to start doing the dreaded core work so that I can get rid of this enormous foopa that mysteriously appeared in the last few years, but for now it is strictly aerobic exercise.

The great thing about last week is I  was able to go into my favorite sushi restaurant with my daughter and just have a diet coke. I talked with her and watched the Celtics play basketball to keep my mind occupied. It was nice to be in that type of environment and not feel the temptation to eat. There will be, I am positive, more situations just like this and I cannot sit at home waiting for the next 15 weeks to go by. I know this will get more challenging as the weeks go by but so far it is really going fast. 

Last week I lost a whopping 3.7 pounds. I keep telling myself my body hasn't figured it out yet and when it does the weight will start dropping off. Total for three weeks is 16 pounds. 

Commitments

As week 2 ended, I started to reflect a little about why I have committed to this program. I sat in my group meeting yesterday listening to over half of the group talking about how they are having a real problem sticking to the program and food is the only thing they can think about. I watched as one person was almost in tears as she explained how she had eaten one meal, which consisted of a small piece of fish and some asparagus and gained two pounds. The counselor quickly explained to her that there is no way that she could have eaten just that and gained weight. I have seen that look in her eyes in myself and know that she is not going to last on this program. I have been the same way so many times and that is when I give up. I am not feeling that way, in fact, just the opposite. I am so relieved not to have to worry about food. It is one less thing that I have to think about.

So what makes this commitment different? I am fully committed. I cannot think of anything else in my life that I want more. I want to be healthy and walk up a flight of stairs without passing out. I want to go to magic mountain and ride all of the rides because I can (there is nothing worse than trying to fit my ass into some of those seats). I recently went on a work outing where we raced go-carts. I had to force myself into the seat and it hurt so bad that I could not even enjoy the race. I don't want that anymore. I just want to be normal.

I had my 2nd weigh-in yesterday and was disappointed yet again. I lost 4.7 pounds, which makes my total for 2 weeks 12.5 pounds. I have a feeling that I am not losing more weight because I sit down all day at work and barely get up to walk. So, tonight when I got home from work and the grocery store (my kid still has to eat), I went to the gym and walked...very, very slowly... for 20 minutes. I figure now is the best time to see if a little more exercise won't jump start my super slow metabolism. In the meantime, I just need to hang in there.