End of Week 1

Week 1 was fairly uninspiring. I was able to keep on program for the entire week without cheating. It wasn't easy and I find that my self talk continues to be the same. The only difference now is that I  recognize the talk that pushes me to overeat and fall off an otherwise successful diet. I had kind of a rough week at work and home, which would normally make me fall right off the wagon...just one piece of food...this stupid diet probably isn't even working...I am not worth it anyway. This is where the group therapy comes in. In our last session we talked about making plans when things don't seem to be going the way they should and how we can shift our way of thinking to view bumps in our person road as small obstacles that can be replaced with something positive. Huh, that makes sense. So instead of eating myself into a coma and feeling guilty about it, I just switch my mind to think about something else that will make me feel better? Got it, let's see if I can continue to make this work.

As far as weight loss the first week, I found myself slightly disappointed that I did not lose more. I know, I know, every little bit helps and I didn't gain this weight overnight. This does not lessen the feelings that I have with myself. I am very competitive by nature and I wanted to lose a lot. One guy in my class lost 23 pounds (okay it may be because he weighs almost 500 lbs.) and another girl cheated and still lost more than I did. Watch out sister, you may be able to cheat this week but wait for the next couple of weeks; I am going to blow away my 7.7 pound weight loss and you are still going to cheat!

Day 6

Day 6, I cannot believe I have reached almost a week. I thought it would be a lot harder than it has been. I have not cheated at all and am consistently drinking my water as well. I am not going to lie, there were a couple of times when I really wanted to eat something but I immediately stopped thinking about it and started to do something else so I would not be tempted. The hardest part for me was the weekend. Not in trying not to eat but to take my shakes like I should. There were two days that I was not even hungry for my last shake of the night. In class, there are specific instructions to drink every single shake no matter what. Skipping shakes will actually prevent a person from losing weight.

I have been keeping meticulous records about when and where I drink my shakes. It helps to have a schedule that I am bound to because it takes the thinking right out if it. I am excited about my first "official" weigh-in tomorrow. Although I don't feel any different, there is definitely something to be said about not having fat ankles. No swelling. I love this aspect. I can only expect that my health will continue to improve as I lose more and more weight.

Stay tuned for the weigh-in results!

Motivation

What helps us get motivated?  For each person motivation comes from different places. Some find motivation from an experience, while others use role models to get them going each day.

What motivates me? I have several motivating factors for my weight loss. The first is, you guessed it, an ex. This person "loved" me for my inside but couldn't love me on the outside. By the way, this has to be one of the most painful emotional ordeals that I have ever been faced with. We were together an entire year after this conversation and our relationship became strained and awkward. After we split up it took me a couple of weeks to get my thoughts together. All I could think is, how shallow, what a jerk...and, I hope he burns in hell. I gain a few more pounds then a few more pounds. Pretty soon a month has slipped by and I am feeling miserable, tired and unmotivated. Again my thoughts turn to the ex and I wonder how I am letting him have so much power over me. Done! The following week I have an appointment with my doctor to get refills on my depression/anxiety medication and sleeping pills (oh yes, this is what I have been taking to numb the pain and be able to sleep). I mention to him that I am looking for another program to lose weight. He hands me a booklet to the Kaiser programs. That is all it took. The steps I am taking are definitely for myself; I want to prove to myself once and for all that I am the one who has control over my life. No one else, and especially not someone who is not worthy of my love.

My second motivation is my family and friends. They have been with me through some of my worst times; fat, depressed, and just plain miserable to be around and they still love me. I know that I could not do this without them.

Day 1

Day 1 (actually Day 1, week 2):

I got my shakes at last night's group meeting. I chose half vanilla and half chocolate. It is kind of funny that we don't get to taste them first. I asked a couple of people in my group and it was 50/50. Some liked only the chocolate, while others only the vanilla.

I got up this morning, completely forgot that I was starting today, and thought about breakfast. My stomach rumbled and then I remembered...right, I get to drink shakes for the next five months. Not to sound totally cliche but I immediately changed my way of thinking and told myself that this is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have already come this far so now it is time to embrace this and make the best of it. I will soon start to see the results so it can only get better.

When I finished getting ready for work, I grabbed my new shaker and filled it up with water to the eight ounce mark. I dumped the chocolate packet into the shaker and shook it until it was foamy and delicious. The first mistake I made was to smell it. It smelled awful and it was a little chunky so my stomach turned a little. Second mistake, it was not cold enough so when I started to drink it, the taste was a little like warm chocolate milk. Once I took a few more drinks it was not that bad. Oddly, I felt full on only eight ounces of liquid.

I continued to drink my shakes throughout the day every three hours. At 1:30 my stomach actually growled and I still had an hour left before I was supposed to have another shake. Thankfully, I purchased the chicken soup (two boxes) just in case - I am allowed two servings of the chicken soup per day in addition to my shakes.  I savored every last drop of the soup and it held me over until I drank my next shake. I decided to try the vanilla shake, which I mixed with black coffee. It wasn't bad but I know that I will not be able to drink the vanilla by itself. All I can say is, ewwww, so gross.

So at the end of the day, with one more shake and 30 ounces of water left to drink I can officially say one day down, 134 days left.

The Program

Finally...it seems as if it took forever to reach this point. First it was the orientation, next it was the blood work and the EKG, and lastly the body assessment and acceptance physical. Everything came back normal so I am told that I am ready to start.

Start what, you ask? Kaiser Permanente in San Diego has a medically supervised Optifast program for those who are 40 pounds or more overweight. The program has many options; however, I believe that if I am going to lose the weight forever that it has to be drastic, so I chose the full fasting Optifast Program. The full fasting program, as many are aware, allows five shakes per day and two optional soups.  I was told, not given a choice, that I would be using Optifast 70 (two shakes flavors; vanilla and chocolate with a total caloric intake of 400 calories). This may be because my BMI is 42. Morbidly obese! Wow, that is scary. I am lucky that I have not had health issues related to my weight before now. The Optifast 70 is not a program that is offered very many places and I scoured the Internet looking for tidbits of information from people on this program. Nothing. I found plenty of people using the Optifast 800 but very little information on the Optifast 70. Maybe the people on Optifast 70 are so hungry they do not have enough energy to type. Or, maybe they are trying to keep it a secret.

My actual start date was April 10th. My weigh in weight was 249 pounds *gasp*. Have I really let myself get this fat? The answer is YES and I am sure that if I did not reach out for help I would have continued to gain weight at an alarming speed. Most of the people that surround me (friends and family) do not have or have never had weight issues. At least my support group will know the struggles and heart ache that I endure on a daily basis. This leads me to the next topic: my support group.

The group meeting was very interesting. I found it almost depressing as I listened to person after person ask questions about what we "have" to share and some of the experiences from past meetings. Oh yes, many are back for a second or third time. This scares the *&^# out of me. Questions are flooding my mind. Will this be me? Will I gain all the weight back and more? Am I strong enough to handle this kind of stress? Please people, any success stories? I can already tell this is going to be a long 20 weeks. My head is spinning as I try and decide if I made the right decision. I quickly decide that I have based solely on the amount of money that I have already spent ($335 and I haven't even gotten the shakes yet). I am also told that I do not receive any shakes until week 2. Ahhhhh....I was so bummed. The first step, they say, is documenting what I eat for the entire week including how I was feeling before or after I eat. This is meant to help me explain why I eat and eat and eat. You would think that all of this documenting would curb my appetite and make me eat less. Oh no, I ate more than ever this week. I wanted to make sure that I had everything and more that I loved to eat before doomsday. I documented everything. What did I figure out about why I eat? Nothing, of course. I did not think about it at all. I just stuffed every last delicious morsel into my chubby face.

So today (Tuesday @ 4:15 to be exact) I will weigh in for the second time; I probably gained 5 pounds from last weeks weigh in based on the amount of food that I ate. I documented every last crumb and it did make me a little sad as I look back on what I consumed. Oh well, can't take it back now. All I can do is use this to move forward.

A few blogs that I am reading say that there are three types of people on the Optifast program: those who do not cheat at all; those who cheat a couple of times; and those who cheat regularly. The third group does not ever seem to lose weight and cannot figure out why. Really? I plan on being in group 1. I cannot fall off of the wagon and I want to lose the most that I can in this 20 (19 really) weeks. I am a creature of habit and once I put my mind to something there is rarely anything that can stop me.

Join me on this 20-week journey. I hope to inspire, help, or just shed a little information for those who need it.