"Wanting to be thin pushes reality to the outer edges, dismisses it as only temporary until the real you, the essential you, can show your face. Whereas wanting to be thin is consuming and passionate and selective, being thin is like having cornflakes for breakfast and going to work. It's pleasant when you're done slipping into a new party dress, but there are still bills to pay, dishes to be done, and a life to be reckoned with. You must still learn how to give love and how to compromise, how to say no and how to risk failure. You still have to make sense of the conflicts within you and, inevitably, someone you love disappointing you. During all those years of wanting to be thin, you put your life on hold and created a cushion between you and the aspects of living that were not in your control. Wanting to be thin protects you from the unfairness of life; it funnels the grief and sadness and pain of being alive into the grief and sadness and pain of being overweight.
When you spend your life wanting, you never get down to the actuality of living."
The previous paragraph came from a book by Geneen Roth called Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I mentioned the book briefly in my last post. I found this particular paragraph so profound to me that I read it about 16 times. I discovered after reading this book that I really want to love myself. I obviously have not been able to get the love I am longing for from others (speaking only on my past relationships). Whether I am 100 pounds or 500 pounds, I am a great person; funny, outgoing, giving, and best of all, a great friend. Does this change the fact that I want to be thinner? Absolutely not. I definitely need to be thinner for my health. However, I think I have a slightly different perspective on wanting to be thin above everything else.
I really 'wanted' to lose a bunch of weight last week but unfortunately, I only lost 2.1 pounds. Not a big loss but a loss nonetheless.
Body image was the topic at my group meeting last night. Each of us was asked to share how we felt about our body. I thought about it as my turn came around. I found each story to be extremely touching. Most of the women were struggling, just as I am, with how they feel about their bodies. I realized that I have not had a great body image for a really long time. I was teased in grade school because I was so skinny and then when I went through puberty in junior high I was teased because I got so curvy, so fast. There were some really mean boys that I went to high school with that always commented about my big ass (I have always been bottom heavy). This only continued to get worse as I got older and fatter. My ex-husband always liked me fat, that way I had no self-esteem and no one would find me attractive. My ex-boyfriend didn't like me fat and ultimately that was the reason that he broke up with me. So many mixed emotions about how I want to look and how I feel about my body now.
