Body Image

I am a week behind posting. I did not go to my meeting last week because of some financial issues so felt like I did not have much to say; however, I am back this week.

Body image was the topic at my group meeting last night. Each of us was asked to share how we felt about our body. I thought about it as my turn came around. I found each story to be extremely touching. Most of the women were struggling, just as I am, with how they feel about their bodies. I realized that I have not had a great body image for a really long time. I was teased in grade school because I was so skinny and then when I went through puberty in junior high I was teased because I got so curvy, so fast. There were some really mean boys that I went to high school with that always commented about my big ass (I have always been bottom heavy). This only continued to get worse as I got older and fatter. My ex-husband always liked me fat, that way I had no self-esteem and no one would find me attractive. My ex-boyfriend didn't like me fat and ultimately that was the reason that he broke up with me. So many mixed emotions about how I want to look and how I feel about my body now.

I still am not happy with the way I look but I am starting to get to a point where I am feeling better with myself, even at the weight I am. I want to love myself no matter what my weight. I want to ignore outside influences that say that I am not a lovable person unless I weigh a certain amount. This is all easier said then done....I am on my way.

On a different note, I met a very special lady this weekend. She is fighting a horrible disease that keeps coming back and coming back. Although I know she is not feeling great, she came out to the lavender farm with us and endured the heat and our sarcasm. I am so glad that I met her and absorbed her strength and passion for life. Her struggle makes me think about how short life is and that I need to enjoy every minute of every day, pick my battles, and choose my own destiny because I don't know when my last day will come.

I am half way done with my 20 weeks and as of yesterday have lost a total of 37.3 pounds. Here is to my next 10 weeks!

Wanting

"Wanting to be thin pushes reality to the outer edges, dismisses it as only temporary until the real you, the essential you, can show your face. Whereas wanting to be thin is consuming and passionate and selective, being thin is like having cornflakes for breakfast and going to work. It's pleasant when you're done slipping into a new party dress, but there are still bills to pay, dishes to be done, and a life to be reckoned with. You must still learn how to give love and how to compromise, how to say no and how to risk failure. You still have to make sense of the conflicts within you and, inevitably, someone you love disappointing you. During all those years of wanting to be thin, you put your life on hold  and created a cushion between you and the aspects of living that were not in your control. Wanting to be thin protects you from the unfairness of life; it funnels the grief and sadness and pain of being alive into the grief and sadness and pain of being overweight.

When you spend your life wanting, you never get down to the actuality of living."

The previous paragraph came from a book by Geneen Roth called Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I mentioned the book briefly in my last post. I found this particular paragraph so profound to me that I read it about 16 times. I discovered after reading this book that I really want to love myself. I obviously have not been able to get the love I am longing for from others (speaking only on my past relationships). Whether I am 100 pounds or 500 pounds, I am a great person; funny, outgoing, giving, and best of all, a great friend. Does this change the fact that I want to be thinner? Absolutely not. I definitely need to be thinner for my health. However, I think I have a slightly different perspective on wanting to be thin above everything else.

I really 'wanted' to lose a bunch of weight last week but unfortunately, I only lost 2.1 pounds. Not a big loss but a loss nonetheless.

Guilt

I think guilt should be my middle name. I feel guilty all the time, sometimes for no reason and I have no idea where all of this guilt is coming from. Guilty because I did not make dinner, guilty because I am not able to buy my kids a car, guilty because I took a long lunch...the list goes on and on. Well guilt, I have some news for you; I am not putting up with you any longer. After all no one even knows I feel guilty except for me and it is only making me feel bad.

I started thinking about guilt today. A friend of mine recommended a book to me. She said that this book, back in the 90's, changed her life. She explained that up until this point she struggled with her weight and just wanted a way to control her eating. The book talks about most people's unhealthy relationship with food because of the way it was presented throughout his/her life. Guilt. Why does one feel guilty after having an ice cream sundae or a big bowl of chips and salsa? We are told these foods are bad and then we avoid them at all costs. So, what happens when we avoid these foods? You guessed it; we wait until we are alone and then consume our body weight in the "bad" foods...and then here comes the guilt. So what is worse, having a little bit of something that I really want or eating about 3000 extra calories because I am not allowed to have it?

In my group session this week we discussed this exact topic. One of the woman in the group said that she has trigger foods that she needs to stay away from or she will just fall right off the wagon.  I don't have this exact problem because food in general is a trigger. This is the reason, I believe, I am doing so well on this program. The option to choose foods is not there so I know I cannot have anything except for the product in the program. Eventually I will have to face this subject, which is why I am reading as much as I can to determine why I overeat. Is it the guilt? I have been dieting for as long as I can remember. I have been a closet eater. I eat 'like a bird' around most people and then behind closed doors or with my closest friends I eat like there is an apocalypse and I will never be able to eat again.

When I have lost my weight I decided that I am going to try and develop a new relationship with food; only eat when I am hungry, and only eat it if I really want it. I cannot even count the number of times that I have eaten something just to eat it and when I was done saying, "you know that wasn't really good". I want to get rid of the guilt that I feel when I eat something that is not on my diet (whichever one I happen to be on at the time).

Oh and as a last thought, I lost 4.7 pounds last week, which brings my total to 27.4 pounds in 6 weeks. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment thus far. I have been able to stay 100% on program without much challenge. I know as the weeks go on it will get harder but I have the strength in myself to see this program all the way to the end. There is nothing or no one standing in my way and now is my time to shine.

Wait for it....

Thank goodness I was able to show some good numbers this week or I may have jumped off the nearest bridge. While I still believe that I could lose a little more in a week, my weight loss was 4.6 pounds @ week 5, bringing my total to 22.5 pounds. I wish that I could say that I notice it in the way my clothes fit or in my face, but I am not going to lie...I don't see a dang thing. I guess when one has as much to lose as I do, it probably won't show until I have lost another 20 pounds.

Onward and upward. Here is to the next 15 weeks!

Strength

Where does one find personal strength? Is it something built into one's character; something learned by parents; or, something that some have and other's don't?

I consider myself a very strong person. I take after my mom in that way. My mom, faced with great adversity, always found a way to rise to the top. However, she was not very happy. She took on so much burden she was unable to enjoy life. I believe that sometimes with strength comes loneliness. I used to believe that I could take care of everything myself and tried not to ask for help. I endured many years of emotional and physical abuse from my ex-husband and never talked to anyone except my therapist about it. This was a big mistake because when I left him after almost 20 years of marriage, no one understood. To everyone, we looked like a normal family. I cannot say what gave me the strength all those years but I can say that I am in a much better place today and I am ready to finally live.

In the last few years I started to realize that I cannot do it all by myself. My brother is my biggest supporter and, even when he is sick of me, still picks up the phone when I call. I also have a handful of friends (you all know who you are) that are unwavering. I know that if I called on any one of them, they would drop everything to help. And, I hope they feel they can count on me as well. Today, this is where my strength comes from. So, when I only lose 2.2 pounds in a week, my friends and family tell me not to give up, that I have nothing to lose (except the weight).

It feels great to have such a wonderful support system. I love you all!!

What's happening?

I mean, come on! I get 400 calories a day and I only lost 2.2 pounds last week. I am so disappointed. I was so busy last week; it is not humanly possible. This is the reason that I cannot stick to a diet. I can only hope that next week will be better. I am not giving up yet.

Race Toward the Finish Line

Week 4 officially began on Wednesday and here it is Thursday before I get to writing my blog for the week. Last week was probably the toughest week so far; mostly because I felt so hungry even after I drank my shakes. I am not sure if it is real hunger or if it is my mind trying to get me to think about food. It could be real hunger because I added in walking/jogging four times this week for 40 minutes. The fact that I am able to run a little makes me feel so great. Running is the only exercise that I actually like and I was unable to do it for a long time because my back hurt so bad. Eventually I will have to start doing the dreaded core work so that I can get rid of this enormous foopa that mysteriously appeared in the last few years, but for now it is strictly aerobic exercise.

The great thing about last week is I  was able to go into my favorite sushi restaurant with my daughter and just have a diet coke. I talked with her and watched the Celtics play basketball to keep my mind occupied. It was nice to be in that type of environment and not feel the temptation to eat. There will be, I am positive, more situations just like this and I cannot sit at home waiting for the next 15 weeks to go by. I know this will get more challenging as the weeks go by but so far it is really going fast. 

Last week I lost a whopping 3.7 pounds. I keep telling myself my body hasn't figured it out yet and when it does the weight will start dropping off. Total for three weeks is 16 pounds.